Mature Mom – on finding yourself

Baby started crawling and since then I’ve barely had any time to do much outside of looking after her and the house and making sure that we get out to explore the world together.

Indeed I found that I could take her to the local diner to share some toast and coffee…well, toast anyway, and that she loves toast and being around people with nice music in the background. From that point on I started to give her more of my food, in bits and pieces and this has been so fun, with so much more fun on the way. It never fails to excite me that we get to do so much together. It might sound ridiculous but after having so many dogs and coming to terms with the fact that dogs only live 12-13 sometimes 14 years old (our dogs anyway), I remind myself that having a baby is the big league, I get to live with her and watch her grow and then she goes off on her own and makes her own life and I get to be there for her whenever she needs me. It’s just so exciting for me. I think it’s only sinking in now that she’s growing and developing into a young person, I see how she’s “with me” and we are sharing so many little laughs and special moments and good meals together. Gosh it’s just so incredibly special.

Right now she’s sleeping…I just about do my head in during the late afternoon lately because she’s not taking her late afternoon catnap anymore and she gets difficult. I still haven’t figured out what I’m supposed to do…stretch out her wake time during the day I guess but I really hate keeping her up if she’s tired. But she’s overtired by 4 or 4:30 and she won’t fall asleep anymore, not even for 5 minutes. The torment of it. And she’s going to sleep at 6pm and waking at 5am. I wish it could be 7-6 if she’s going to sleep 11 hours, or if she could sleep 12 hours and go til 6. But she is who she is. And as soon as she’s asleep for the night, I miss her terribly and I look forward to the next day. Lately we’ve been enjoying Baby and Me yoga, swimming lessons, and gym class. Tomorrow I plan to take her to the zoo.

So me and the hubby have been going to couples therapy and then I’ve been going to therapy on my own. My husband has needed it because it’s hard for him, like most guys I think, to talk about hard times. I’m super glad that he’s talking to someone but I’m also disappointed and sad and upset that he can’t talk to me. Am I too much for him?

Well, I’ve realized that he hasn’t been able to understand me. I thought he didn’t care. But it’s truly a lack of understanding. Miscommunication thereafter. Plus fatigue. Plus my anger.

Well, I realized that I’ve been so lonely, and that’s why I was angry. Traveling husband. Living in a new city. Missing my friends and family and WorkLife. And drifting from my husband. Not sharing love languages. Not knowing or understanding each other’s love languages. Being disappointed. Not wanting to say that I’m unhappy in my marriage.

And then there’s this child, this little angel for whom I would lay down my life. We made her together. I would never regret my marriage, never question it.

And then the fear of the big bad world out there. Apparently a hormone gets released once we give birth that makes us aware of danger so that we protect our babies. Well that was a tough change. But I can’t live with that fear foremost in my mind. Just today I thought that I need to show her how to be smart and be able to enjoy the world and people, have adventures and make great friends and always keep a clear mind on what is right and just and to live a good life.

The struggle that I’ve had, plus a husband who took the steps to get us into therapy, and then therapy itself, has helped me to turn and face myself head on, to say what I’ve been afraid to say, and then deal with it and move on. I have found this entire process to be a great journey into learning about myself and making sense of who I am and what I want and how I’m going to be the best mom that I can be to my sweet little girl.

And as for being a wife…tonight I got over my issues and decided to be a friend to my husband. We might be stuck with each other now but I can choose to be a great friend to him, look after him, help him to get to Heaven. I can also rely on him to be a good friend to me, I can at least have that expectation. And perhaps my expectations of a husband were too much to ask for. I think that should be the topic of our next therapy session.

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